Saying Forever-Goodbyes

Yesterday Tim was talking about work, more specifically, his friend Jay. Jay had recently been transferred to a different city for two months, and was at work packing up and saying goodbye. He looked at me really weirded out and told me that another employee was having her final shift the same day. “Jay said goodbye to her forever. They said goodbye to each other knowing that they would never see each other ever again.” This really boggled Tim’s mind. He was amazed, and confused, and kind of sad for Jay and this coworker. I looked at Tim like “so what?” To me, saying goodbye to someone forever doesn’t really mean much, I should say, doesn’t faze me. I thought of the countless times I have met people, gotten close with them and subsequently said goodbye to them, forever. This would have happened when I was living in Quebec for a summer, then when I was working at a fishing lodge in Northern Ontario for a summer, and when I spent a month working and traveling in Costa Rica. This happened when I spent a week volunteering in Calgary a few years ago, and when we had a girl living with us from Russia for four summers. All of the people I met during these experiences impacted my life greatly, and because of these people, I am who I am today. I thank them for it, and owe so much to them for teaching me, for encouraging me, for pushing me to grow and for being in the awesome place I am in today. It occurred to me, that Tim hasn’t done a lot of stuff like this. He likes to stay in his comfort zone and keep his bubble of life as small and tight as possible. That, 99% of the time when he says goodbye to people it is a goodbye for a week, goodbye for a day, goodbye until the next time we run into each other.

I think I’ve gotten really good at goodbye forever, in a positive way. I can say goodbye to somebody, forever, without crying and being sad and still hold them in my heart and think about them often. What about you? Have your life experiences taught you say forever-goodbyes to people you know really well? Are you any good at them? Do you stink at them? Do you do them often? Am I a freak of nature with no heart or maybe just a thick-skinned social worker?

Five blondes, no mass suicide pact.

I have written in three other online spaces since I started blogging, around 2003. Two were public, and one was secret. I have always loved writing online, and with my sisters. A good thing, considering only a very select few people read the blogs and 4 out of the 8 or so readers actually were the girls. I have been compiling the entries to print out and make into a sort of journal or book, because I don’t want to lose that part of me and I would love to have it in a tangible form. I am excited because I loved myself back then (don’t worry, I still do but I’m just feeling nostalgic). I used way to many exclamation points, I was way too dramatic for my own good, I could write anything and no matter how bad it was I thought it was the deepest, truest thing ever to be written, I laughed, I loved, I was caring and selfish all at the same time, and (with much editing) would love to have it to give to my grandchildren some day.

Here is an excerpt from an entry in my livejournal from January 11, 2006.

i just watched the virgin suicides again, what an excellent movie.

it’s funny how it is just like our family, the story of five blonde daughters and their “mysterious existence”. the neighbour hood boys become obsessed with them and cherish even a discarded piece of paper, had it been used by one of the girls. That reminds me of the story [family friend, let's call him R.] told me, of how when he was younger and used to go dirt biking in our back forest but every summer would come to my house and ask my dad for permission. All my dad asked of him was to drive slowly down the driveway so as to not disturb/injure/scare his daughters and we would see R. making his was ever so slowly making his way down the driveway, literally going about 5 km/hour and we would laugh. he confessed to me later, when we became friends, that he always hoped we would be outside when he drove by so he could see one of us.

and even when he drives by my grandmas house, he always slows down to drive the speed limit, some sort of unspoken rule.

okay enough about that.

what i am really thinking?

i love the progression from thinking i need to write things down so we will have something to talk about, to thinking i need to write things down so i don’t run out of time to say them.
maybe that’s my favourite part … or one of them anyways.

Erica’s comment: Yes, we’re so similar to the movie aren’t we? Now about that mass suicide pact we have…

So, there is no mass suicide pact. Don’t worry. Maybe a pact to take over the world as soon as we all start exploding with babies, but that’s about it. God we are going to have awesome family get-togethers someday! We can watch our kids do all of the same crazy stuff that we used together.

And then a little about my budding relationship thrown in there, it was written about a month after Tim and I started dating. Aww! All I can remember about that time was how much fun we always had together.

Tuesdays with Micaela: Dresses and Long Distance Relationships.

Some of my favourite bloggers have been posting about dresses this week, inspiring me to write my own “dress post.”  I had been wanting to get a white dress to wear for my wedding rehearsal in August, well and because I love white dresses in general. I found this one at Jacob about a month ago, and recruited my #1 roommate to take (secret, bathroom because there were other roommates and boyfriends around and I would have felt silly doing this in public as you can probably understand) pictures of it. In the first one, I was still sitting on the toilet putting shoes on, but I kinda like it anyways:

micaela-006

And it has pockets! What’s better than that?

micaela-007

What else is new? Well Kent and I are officially knee deep into our long distance relationship. Until recently, we’d been living two hours apart since September, but it was alright because we saw each other every weekend. Now he’s four hours away and my school and his work schedules made it not possible to see each other last weekend or this upcoming weekend, and probably not that often for the next few months. I miss being around someone who makes it their sole purpose in life to make me laugh as much as possible, and of course someone to hug whenever I feel like it (which is a lot!) But it’s also kind of sweet to hear how much he misses me all the time. That definitely doesn’t make up for it, but it makes things a little bit better. We are both definitely doing what is best for ourselves right now, which I think is a really good thing, and luckily that means only being apart for the next two months.

I have so much stuff to do for school and for the wedding that it will occupy my whole weekend. My friend Tori helped me make a wedding and school to-do list for this weekend and it took up every line of a sheet of 8.5/11″ lined paper. If Kent was around I would probably get approximately zero of these things done, so in a way it’s probably best that I don’t see him until all my applying to school boards is over and done with in a couple weeks. My stressed-out self is not a fun thing to witness. Although – Kent called me and woke me up really late last night when he got home from work (I asked him to.)  I really did try not to be cranky but it didn’t really work because I wasn’t completely conscious. This morning I got an email from him saying that I sounded “really tired and cute.” So really, perhaps he should be around this weekend because he may be the one person that can find me cute when I’m cranky.

First things first; a love story.

Having a job that requires me to provide one on one support clients with mental illnesses, I must listen to others stories and problems and woes all day long, all the while encouraging them and recognizing their strengths and positive attributes. This seems to come easily to me, and does not often bother me as I adore hearing people’s stories. “What’s your story?” is a question I love to ask, but dread being asked. That dread is something I am working on, and I think it has a lot to do with the the fact that the sole reason I am in Calgary is because I followed my heart out here. I hate to say, but in the history of my current relationship it has always been me that has done the occassionally immature running away, the leaving. Tim has been the most patient, loving boyfriend over the past three years that a young woman could ever have, and when I found out there was a possibility of him moving elsewhere, it was a no-brainer for me. I am lucky to share a home and a heart with Tim, who has consistently gone way out of his way to ensure that the two of us take advantage of each and every opportunity that comes our way, to have as much fun and as much love as two people could possibly have.

The first time I brought the name Tim into the FB household, my Mom could tell right away that I was “smitten.” Tim wasn’t like any of the other guys I had dated (read: he was intelligent and sane). It may have taken this proper, traditional boy a few months, a lot of hints and even a pretty obvious kiss to actually get around to asking me out, but once he did we were inseparable. Still are, really.

Alternatively, my favourite part of our story is spending our first summer together, apart. We planned for that first summer together to be perfect, with lazy nights by the fire, driving for hours to see each other, doing anything for that person; but for some crazy reason Mom convinced me to take a job that involved me moving way North to a fishing lodge on an island in a town called Nakina – a full days drive from Tim and all things related to home. Tim and I had only been dating four months at that point, and most people would say “So what?” to a four month relationship – but it was always special with Tim and I. We both knew that the both of us were in it for the long haul, and we had that summer planned out perfectly … but it wouldn’t be that way after all. I left in May for four months, and as I packed and talked to my new bosses, I was learning more and more about this fishing lodge. I wasn’t sure how to break it to Tim that there was no internet. Or regular use of a phone. I could use a “party line” (shared phone line between a bunch of lodges) for about 15 minutes a week – but I wasn’t sure how that was going to fly with him. The week before I left, Tim worked hard to ensure that I wouldn’t forget about him – gifts, homemade meals, reminders of our time together and promises of letters all summer long.

Which brings me to the point of my story – The Love Letters. Ooooh, the Love letters. The love letters. The love letters. Three words I can repeat over and over to myself in my head and never get bored of them. Tim promised to write me letters all summer long, a promise he kept over and over and over again. At this point of the story, people who know Tim and I are usually like … Tim wrote you love letters? Like, good ole’ fashioned love letters, not e-mails? Tim the studious, dutch, concrete-construction working farmer knows how to write love letters? I know, not your typical candidate for being very romantically inclined, but I have a box full of letters, every word of which I will cherish forever. Even if in the future if Tim and I aren’t together, I will keep those letters as a reminder of how much expressible love was possible from a man to a woman. And every night shift he works when I am home alone, and questioning to myself why I am putting myself through the loneliness I pull out a letter. Each letter started off with the same simple phrase

“First things first…”

It is meant to be followed with “I love you” but by the end of the summer the last half wasn’t even necessary. It is simply an example of the knowledge of what it so important in maintaining a long distance relationship – the affirmation of undying love, the knowledge that the other persons feelings and emotions always come first.

 

Can you define your life in six words?

Postsecret Book

I don’t know about some of the other fiveblondes, but my favourite website is Postsecret.com, and two of my favourite books are the two Postsecret books I own. Every weekend I (unlike most people) get excited for Sunday to roll around so that I can jump over to Postsecret.com and look at all the new secrets!

Even though I will always love Postsecret, I’ve found a couple of new sites/books kind of like it! One is Six Word Memoirs. This is a site where people post about their lives in SIX WORDS! It could be a part of their life, or something they’ve experienced, but I still find it fascinating! While I was looking at the Postsecret book on Amazon, it recommended me a book (don’t you love it when they recommend you books?). This book was called “Other People’s Love Letters: 150 Letters You Were Never Meant To See”. This is by far the cutest book EVER! It has original pictures of love letters from random people that were found in random places around the world. Some of them are even on things like cocktail napkins, and some of them are heartbreak, like the word “liar” written 183 times.
Hope you enjoyed these books/sites, because I LOVE them!
Anyone else have any books like these that they love? Share!

By the way, I should probably STOP making blog posts in order to keep away from studying. I have a feeling it won’t be very helpful to my successful university career…

Surprises!

On Saturday night after I got back from a week facilitating at a camp, Kent and I headed up to Toronto for the start of our small vacation. We got to his parents house late and went to bed right away. The next morning we woke up and ate one of his dad’s AMAZING breakfasts that he always makes when we’re there (and, I have a feeling, when we are not there too), and headed off for my first (of many) surprises for the weekend. We met Kent’s friend Ryan and Ryan’s girlfriend Perola at Horseshoe Valley for some Tree Top Trekking Adventures AND the longest zip line in Canada! It was pretty awesome and also REALLY challenging (my abs hurt for a few days after). Kent and I both finished the beginner, intermediate, and advanced courses. Next we went out for dinner with Ryan and Perola and headed to their house for the night. There we hung out and played lots of euchre – I always take advantage of situations in which I am with 3 other people who all know how to play euchre!

On Monday we had a lazy morning at Ryan’s house, then Kent swam down a waterfall and I was terrified for his life, then headed off to Huntsville where we went to a restaurant called the Cottage, where we had our first date two summers ago. We ate there, did a little shopping, did a hike, and then I had my next surprise of the trip, Kent had booked us a room at the Deerhurst Resort! He told me to wait outside in the parking lot while he went inside and got our keys… by this point I was getting a little suspicious. So I sat in the parking lot and read and he finally came out and we went up to our room, which was a beautiful suite. He told me to wait outside the room and he’d go in and “see if it was nice.” This made me even more suspicious but when I went into the room everything seemed to be in order. We went for a swim at the Deerhurst beach, played some basketball, went for dinner at the Deerhurst restaurant, drank lots of champagne and just had a great evening hanging out together.

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The secret behind his smile.

Tim hates getting his picture taken. But lately, I have found the secret behind his adorable smile that lights up his eyes – I just have to say “But Tim, I want to put this one on the blog” and all of a sudden he perks right up and would pose in any crazy way that I want him to. The funny thing is he has never even seen the blog. One day he was talking about it with his best friend and telling him all about it and his friend asked him the web address – he doesn’t even know it!

Before my posing discovery:

Not so cute.

After my posing discovery:

Look at that attention, eye contact (rare in Tim photos), even the little, mischevious smile. Seriously – all I had to say was “Babe, I want to put this one in the blog.” At the time, I had zero intention of blogging that particular photo but he has inspired me. From now on, you ain’t gonna hear no “Say Cheese” from this girl! Do expect a little more “Blogging this one!” before I snap that shot.

Do your boyfriends/girlfriends/friends read your blogs, or would they if you had a blog? What is the secret behind your partners smile (I need all the help I can get, I have a feeling this trick won’t last long)?

At least I'm a cute raccoon.

Mr. X and I had a very busy weekend. He had an urge to rearrange all of our furniture so that we could fit his New Bike! inside the house when we pick it up on Tuesday.

Did I mention he bought a bike?

So now our apartment is rearranged, providing Max with lots of stimulation for his little kitty-brain. Seriously, if you ever think your cat is getting bored with his life of being trapped in your home (especially when said home consists of 6 small rooms), just move things around. It’s like Disneyworld for cats.

Speaking of animals, Mr X finally ventured into our barn for the first time! Although we’ve been together over 5 years, up until now the barn has been one place he has adamantly refused to go. We were at the farm trading vehicles and talking to Dad when Dad suggested that we see where they will soon be building the new office and washroom (the barn has been recently majorly renovated. You might say, torn down and re-built). I immediately said YES! and we didn’t give Mr X a choice. Off we went! He wouldn’t touch any of the pigs (not even the day-old piglets), but I feel it was a major step in our relationship. I can scratch that marriage ultimatum off the list (I told him that the wedding would not go down unless he had gone into the barn. I don’t think he realized how serious I was).

On Sunday, Mr X, myself, Katelyn, Scott, Micaela and Kent went golfing. It was a beautiful day – except for the wind. Our course is often very windy and Sunday was no different. I was stupid and forgot to put on sunscreen. My legs, arms, and face are bright red. BRIGHT red…except where I was wearing my sunglasses, prompting this comment from Mr X later in the evening:

X: “You look cute.”

E: “Do I look like a cute tomato?”

X: “No…a cute raccoon.”

So there you have it. I look like a cute raccoon, slathered in aloe vera gel.

An "I Love You" I Will Always Remember

Tim and I have been in a relationship together for two years, seven months, and nineteen days, and approximately sixty-five thousand kisses. We are a pretty affectionate couple, and tell each other how much we love each other about seven or eight times a day, give or take a million. I will always fondly remember the first time he told me he loved me, but recently I had someone say those three magic words to me that may have even topped the first time he whispered them to me. It was … get ready … his mother! My possible future mother-in-law. I wouldn’t say that Tim’s mom and I are especially close or anything – I mean, I think she is a wonderful mother, and a great and very kind person and has never been anything less than supportive of me and Tim, but having lived two hours away from her while in University, topped with the fact that I don’t spend too many holidays there (because I can’t bear to leave my OWN family) .. well let’s just say that Tim has been to the Bontje farm on many many many more occasions than I have been to his.

The morning Tim and I took off on our adventure of a lifetime together, Tim’s mom, Maria, made us a big brekky and had some of her best friends over to say godbye to Tim (and me, I guess!). Well, by this time the car was jam-packed, we were prepared for the worst gas-mileage Tims ’94 Mercury Grand Marquis had EVER gotten, and Maria leaned over to me and asked me not to murder her son, but to be patient with him as he has yet to realize that I am always right, and told me that she loved me then gave me a huge big loving welcome-to-the-family hug. And I, well I just just stood there dumbfounded while fighting back the tears. But I gained my composure, returned the love and hugged her back really hard. It was such a special moment, one that I will always remember. If Tim and I ever take the big walk down the aisle (alongside Mic and Kent), I can know that my new family will love me and treat me just as well as my current one.

As soon as we drove away I turned to Tim and said “YOUR MOM JUST TOLD ME THAT SHE LOVES ME!”  Typically male, Tim looked at me confused and said … “So?”

Didn't I suggest that last year? I love it when I'm right.

(Kate’s kitten has a name!)

Yesterday evening after D and I finished dinner, D suggested that we head to Masonville (Masonville is a local shopping area). Never one to turn down shopping, I confirmed that we’d be making my requisite stop at Starbucks and off we went.

The weird thing was, he wouldn’t tell me why we were going, or exactly what he was shopping for! OK, actually this is not all that weird. As I am always the passenger (dear MTO, when will you re-instate my drivers licence? ), he’s generally the one to make decisions about where we are going when we are heading to go shopping or do errands. If we’re going grocery shopping and he turns right off our street I get really confused – why are we going to the grocery store that’s twice as far from home as the other one? Oh – you’re getting your hair cut too. THANKS FOR TELLING ME!

Based on the direction we were going, I assumed that we were headed to Best Buy to search (in vain) for the Wii Fit that will be my belated b-day gift to him. As we were driving into the parking lot his body language was kind of strange and he parked halfway between Best Buy and a sports store. YES! I thought to myself. We’re going to look at bikes!

I’ve been bugging him to get a bike since last year when I got mine and have been suggesting it this year fairly often. We like going for walks together, but D’s best friend (and best man!) bikes a lot and I think D wants to bike with him, and I know he wants to get into better shape (not that he’s out of shape, but he stopped growing vertically a long time ago and lately has been growing, um, horizontally).

D is a ‘look, then buy’ kinda guy so we came out of the sports store sans bike, but I hope that by the end of the month we’ll be hitting the trails together. I can’t wait!

Does anyone else bike or otherwise stay fit with their significant other?
Photo by denniskatinas