I remember seeing our engagement pictures posted on our photographers blog and tearing up. My heart raced, I got a little shaky, and a silly smile spread across my face. There we were, in love, for the world to see!
Today I’m looking at engagement photos also on our photographers blog and again am tearing up. My heart is racing, and I’m shaky.
No smiles.
I’ve seen several old friends appear unexpectedly on their blog before, as well as a couple of new friends. My high school crush was there one day looking very James Dean with his high school sweetheart. The prom king and queen, almost a decade later, finally tying the knot. I was always happy to see my friends on Last Forty Percent’s blog, knowing they made a fantastic choice and would have beautiful photographs to treasure just as we do.
I knew that this most recent couple was getting married. 10 days from now, actually. I don’t know him, but I know her. Or at least I thought I did.
She was my Best Friend – you know, the friend you share your dreams and have adventures with. We made gingerbread houses in her kitchen and played board games and pinball in her basement (There was a pinball machine! In her basement!). We practiced music together, she playing viola to my cello, along with the violins of several other friends. We went to the local fair every year in a group and bought bracelets allowing us to go on the Gravatar until we were sick. We nervously started high school together, expanding our circle of friends while at the same time remaining close. Our commitment to music took us to Europe, where we travelled through Switzerland and Italy with our high school choir. We started growing up, standing on a dark sidewalk after a party bravely taking slurps of Cherry Coke laced with whiskey.
Maybe it was here where things started to go awry. In truth, I’ve never figured it out, and perhaps I’ll never know. All I do know is that one day I arrived at school, approached her at her locker to greet her, and was met with a blank stare.
From that day forward, I didn’t exist to her.
If she had to speak to me, her words were terse and short. If she had to be near me, she turned her back and stared into space. I spent days – weeks – months – years! trying to figure out what I might have done that would make her no longer want to spend so much as a moment with me. Her own brother, whom I count as a friend, asked me what happened between us. I told him I wish I had an answer. Oh, how I wish! I have no answers. Only questions.
Perhaps I wasn’t cool enough. I’ll be the first to admit, I was really awkward as a teen. Maybe I did something seemingly horrible to her, or said the wrong thing. My brain-to-mouth filter is not always on. Maybe I didn’t pay enough attention to her, or was making the wrong friends. Maybe this, maybe that. I’m maybe-ed out. I need to stop myself before I get into the what-ifs, but I’m leaving this post with one what-if:
What if she reads this? It’s possible she is.
Will she reach out?
Please do.
It’s been 10 years. What I wouldn’t do for closure.
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whoa. that’s crazy!
and definitely i would want closure. just to hear what it was that changed things!
on a completely unrelated note? you play cello?!?!!? i reallllly want to learn how!!
.-= gemma´s last blog ..Fill in the blanks! =-.
It is a little crazy and I hope you do get at least closure if not a happy ending to this tale. It’s funny the way people deal with relationships… and how they deal with how they ‘end’ (or lack thereof) a relationship/friendship.
I have to admit that I’m guilty of doing something similar, though we weren’t as close as you two were and we certainly weren’t as young. Every now and then I try and work up the courage to email her and explain myself but evidently I still chicken out because I don’t want to be called a coward to my face… even though it’s always just right there.
.-= fragileheart´s last blog ..Lost but organised =-.
The same thing happened to me in highschool. So random. I begged and pleaded to find out what happened and just got back a snotty “You know what you did.” But I didn’t. And still don’t. *sigh*
Girls are tricky.
Erica! Amazing blog.
Peter did look “Dean”esque on the blog! I also had a huge crush on peter in high school!
I loved the style of your wedding. Your wedding dress and shawl were awesome. Peter has increased his number of “Erica” anecdotes since we saw your wedding photos.
Having just entered my sophomore year of high school, I can relate with this type of thing 100%.
Here – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLa1UTd-ovQ – for the dejected, adolescent girl inside of you.
I hope you get the closure you crave.
x
wow how coincidental that she chose the same photographer as you! i wonder what she was thinking when she saw your wedding pictures on there. I’m assuming she would have as she’s probably been following the blog pretty closely since she booked them. again, another maybe and what if!
.-= Laura Jean´s last blog ..laurajeanluv: Happy 75th Birthday Grandma Betty! =-.
It always makes me sad when friendships end this way. I have a few friendships that ended in a big question mark and I really do wish I knew what went wrong. I wish for that closure too.
.-= mandy´s last blog ..The Changing of the Seasons =-.
Towards the end of University I attempted to apologize to an ex-best friend for some not very cool things I had done almost four years prior and after I apologized and asked to put the past behind us I was responded with “Leah, I will NEVER be your friend again.”
Ouch! I put myself out there and was shut down, but I will never regret putting my ego aside and apologizing.
This blog post reminds me of a conversation Leah and I had just a few days ago. How some people lack common sense, do things you don’t understand, or don’t reciprocate the efforts you put into a friendship. I believe the conversation ended with us both agreeing that “people are weird”.
Thank you for all your comments. I knew that I couldn’t possibly be the only person to go through such an experience, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. I commented on the post and linked back here, so hopefully she’ll read this.
Gemma – Four of us (Me, Kate, Leah, and Lauren) went to a magnet music school where we all learned a string instrument (we also concentrated on choral training). I love the mellow sound that a cello makes and hope to take it up again someday!
fragileheart – Do it sometime. Whether it turns out positively or negatively at least you’ll have done it. I got your back!
Elle Bee – That’s it right there! We are tricky. I wonder how people put up with me sometimes
Natalia – Hi! Have to admit that my face went a little red when I saw your name! Thank you for the compliments on the wedding photos and my dress. Our wedding was fantastic. It’s nice to know that Peter thinks of me from time to time – we spent quite a bit of time on our ‘short bus’.
Jacqueline – well jeez, that is an appropriate song if ever there was one.
Laura – The what-ifs are endless. But I suppose that’s life, isn’t it?
mandy – I hope you get closure too.
Leah – although I’ll never understand how someone would not want to be your friend, good for you for doing that!
Natalie – I can’t say that I always put as much effort into my friendships as I could, or even as I want to. But yes, common sense and also I have to throw in consideration for others feelings.
I can’t imagine that you could do or say anything that deserved that kind of treatment. You are a sweetie!
I just stumbled upon your(s… doesn’t adding an “s” make everything plural?
) blog, and I must say, I like what I see!
I went through something very similar in high school. It would tear me apart and I felt very clingy trying to constantly figure out what was wrong. It didn’t help that I hated conflict and wanted to fix thing right away. I am very sorry that this happened, and I hope that someday you will get the closure you desire so.
.-= poodlegoose´s last blog ..Time for something a bit different =-.
My Best Friend did that to me, but I got new friends that r realy nice. I still didnt know what I did and it still hurts to think about it, but I am moving on. I hope you can patch up your relationship, because to tell the thruth I miss my friend.
The day after reading this post, I bumped into a friend who I hadnt talked to in a very long time. We were best of friends who had just grown apart. No big argument or anything, just took different directions in life. This post made me happy to know that I wasnt the only person in the world who could be a friend one day and then nothing the next! I guess you just really need to treasure your close friends. So thank you Erica! And you never know, the wind may change tomorrow and that friend may realise what they lost! Keep up the good work Blondes! I’m a long time reader all the way from New Zealand! X
I hate to say it so bluntly, but she was probably just a mean person. May still be, unless something drastic happened to make her grow up. Let’s hope so, otherwise, that poor guy!
I have a broken friendship from college. There were some things (really, minor) she did to me that I found out after she went home for the summer. She didn’t come back to school, so that played a role in it, but I really wanted to reach out to her so that she’d know that I forgave her for those things and wanted to renew our friendship. Several attempts came up fruitless. I wish I could contact her today…6 years later.
.-= Ronnica´s last blog ..Oh, Technology =-.
That happened to me in middleschool. After asking her other friends, I got some really stupid answers, like “she’s just mad at her mom for not letting her shave”. That couldn’t have any less to do with me. I’d bet it was just a popularity thing, as I wasn’t in the “in crowd”, but it still hurt. I was her first friend at the school and got ditched. Oh well.