I’ve wanted to write a bit about my relationship for awhile, but I didn’t really know how. Or why it was important. But my relationship with my boyfriend has played such a huge role in the last two years of my life that I would feel like I was ignoring a huge part of me by not addressing it. Plus, we filed for our taxes as “common law” this year, so all of a sudden things are serious, government styles.
Two years ago I wrote about being “that girl” and following my boyfriend across the country. I was unsure if I was making the right decision and I was all messed up inside. If you’ve been reading for awhile, you’ll know that I did follow him. I followed him across the country, but not for a second was I “that girl”. While in University I was undeniably codependent with him. We spent every night together, and when we didn’t and I was anxious I was call him crying, begging him to come over. When we moved to Calgary I thought to myself that life would be perfect. That we would spend every possible moment together and cuddle all night and it didn’t matter that I didn’t have any friends out West because I had him and if I had him, nothing else matters.
Well, I learned pretty quickly that everything else? Does matter. The nature of his job meant that he was working in the evenings, and that he was working a lot. Our relationship took a toll, and we struggled through ups and downs. I reconnected with an old friend and my codependence with my boyfriend dissipated. My boyfriend became less of my best friend, and more of my boyfriend. This is a good thing, amigos.
Him and I have had to work hard to make things work. He still works mainly evenings, so I will come home for lunch and we’ll hang out for half an hour then. I’ll stay up super late and wait for him to come home, and when he gets home the first thing he does is give me a huge hug while I’m reading in bed. I’ve had to be really assertive with my needs, and not let myself feel that I am taking second place to his job. I’ve worked extra hard at making friends and meeting people in unconventional ways.
When Micaela wrote that post last week about the adoration her husband has for her, I broke down. My mind went into crisis mode and I could only focus on the faults in my relationship. All of a sudden, it wasn’t good enough. He didn’t adore me, he didn’t respect me, he wasn’t good enough. Then I shook my head and reminded me that my relationship was just that- my own. That I could compare all I wanted but in the end I had to figure out if it was working for me. And you know what? It is. He may not look at me with puppy eyes every day, but when I wake up beside him every, my life, in that moment, is good.
Wait, hang on… he doesn’t need to look at you with puppy eyes every day, that’s true. But he doesn’t adore you? He doesn’t respect you? I’m unsure from the way you wrote this if that was just you voicing insecurities you had for a moment, or if that’s really how he feels about you. If he doesn’t respect you, don’t waste another moment of your time with him.
Somehow I think he does respect you though
Can’t imagine anyone who wouldn’t.
Thanks for this comment and for vocalizing your thoughts – yes, I was just voicing momentary insecurities I had about my relationship. I know that as a human being I deserve respect and if I wasn’t getting that from my relationship, then it isn’t the right one for me.
He respects me because I respect me, and to have the former the latter must be in place first. (Or so I believe).
We sort of have the same thing going on, you and I. Except I find it extremely difficult to meet people in new places. Even after being here for years. Regardless of that, Micaela’s entry made me adore my relationship even more with my Boyfriend. He doesn’t treat me the exact same way with said puppy dog eyes, but we do love each other and we’re going strong
.
I’m glad to hear that you have a strong relationship with the boyf. I just read on your twitter that he is running a marathon in Vancouver? That’s so awesome!
I won’t deny it – I also freaked when I read Michaela’s post.
Leah – thanks for reminding me that relationships are different. I’m at a point where I don’t know where my current one is going. I just know that I need to figure out what is the right balance of adoration and everyday reality for me.
Phewph, I’m glad I am not alone in my sentiments. Good luck with finding that balance, I wish only the best for you – because I know you deserve it.
Hmm… maybe I should write a follow up post one day when Kent is REALLY annoying me! It definitely made everyone think about their relationships for better or worse. I didn’t mean to say that things are always perfect between us or that I’ve always felt so strongly this way. On Sunday, a few days after I wrote the post we were kind of having an off day and even I was like, “man, I’m jealous of myself in that blog! Why can’t I rewind a couple of days???” Annd I could turn this into a post of it’s own so I think I’ll stop there.
Also, one day when you do work the same hours you’ll miss the days when you had sooo much independence, trust me! I could write a novel about that one!
I think things will continue to be great for you… especially once Kent and Tim are opening up their own restaurant and we are doing all of the PR and interior decorating!
You’re exactly right that every relationship is different. That said, your boyfriend should make you feel like the most beautiful/wonderful/important/ woman on the planet. Obviously, as Micaela said, no relationship is awesome 100% of the time. But even in the bad times, you should still know you are fantastic to your partner. Coming from the long-term queen (2.5 years with HS boyfriend, 4 years with HS boyfriend, now married to guy #3 and we’ve been together 4 years), the right guy won’t make you question yourself so heavily. I thought guys 1 and 2 might be the one. Not until I met (and married) guy 3 did I find a guy who makes me feel exactly as Micaela said in her post. Don’t settle! Good luck! Don’t be afraid to tell your man exactly what you need, and if he can’t/won’t give it to you, that’s a HUGE sign.
I’m so happy to read this, Leah. It makes me giddy for you.
You hit the nail on the head with the whole “my relationship is just that — mine!” thing. Everyone’s relationships are different, and it doesn’t mean that any of them or “right” or “wrong”. Moving across the country (though I did it by myself) is such a huge experience in finding out who YOU are and what YOU need/want. I’m glad that you and the boy have created your own lives out here and have really settled into a good place in this relationship.
Also, filing taxes as “common law”? That’s pretty exciting.
I agree! Filing your taxes as common law is super exciting!
I have found myself more “needy” since we moved out west. But it’s unfair of me to expect John to give me allll the support I used to get from my huge family and good friends when I lived back home. He’s only one person. I still have to repeat that to myself sometimes when I get angry that he can’t give me what I’m looking for. He does still support me and cheer me on, but not as loudy as a large group of people can. You know?
.-= Rachel´s last blog ..Rudy, the over photographed puppy =-.
He’s a lucky guy and I’m not just saying that. I feel the key to every relationship is trying new things. Its not about compromise, It’s about understanding yourself well enough and being mature enough to not just freak out every time something isn’t going the way you want it to and taking matters into your own hands.
.-= fish´s last blog ..collin248: Green Day – 21 Guns / http://www.deezer.com/listen-3788287?provider=player =-.
This is a great post and SO true – all relationships are very different. I find myself comparing my relationship to others far too often and I need to stop doing that. Do we have amazing days where I DO feel like the luckiest girl? Yes. But we also have hard days where I question our relationship. And that’s normal. Relationships take WORK and so many people don’t seem to realize that.
Leahhhh I know exactly how you feel! I also read Micaela’s post and thought a) awesome for her and b) shoot what am I missing? But then I got thinking that sometimes I’m pretty lucky and others…well we all have bad times. I really enjoyed reading this post because it reminds you to look at the good parts and recognize that relationships do take work. And also, I’m very happy to hear how well things are going for you guys!!
I agree, I think how you view your relationship has everything to do with how you look at it and what works for you. You talk about wanting to spend every moment together, I would HATE that and feel smothered, but in my situation you’d probably feel neglected. People are so different it’s not fair to yourself to yourself to compare your relationship to anyone elses.
I enjoyed your post, the emotion felt real and was relatable.
.-= Hey Lady!´s last blog ..Will return shortly… =-.
I remember reading in every single magazine that claims it will help you find the happiness in your life, not to compare. I’ve found this to be true, like you say everyone is different, comparing yourself or your relationship to others is definitely harmful.
My boyfriend and I graduated from a UK university last year and because he is involved in the oil/gas/engineering industry he immediately managed to find a job in Calgary. I wasn’t 100% sure what I wanted to do or how to go about it. I followed him to Canada but quickly learned to stand on my own two feet and concentrate on focusing on the career path I want to go down (which will probably lead us back to the UK in 2011 so I can get on an IVF/embryology training scheme) and am just beginning to try and organise my time and keep busy.
Best wishes, Nikki xx